Believe

Rule #6 of Survival - BELIEVE! 

- Believe that you will succeed.  Develop a deep conviction that you will live.  

 *I will share all of my rules for survival in another post some time.

On March 2nd, 2012 I was told that a biopsy of a lump in my back was cancerous.  I didn't feel sick.  I wasn't in pain.  In fact, I was just 2 days off of an amazing 2 week ski trip in Europe.  I was skiing the beautiful slopes of the alps, partying in bars till the wee hours, exploring new cultures.  Just a few days prior to diagnosis I was with friends and a guide rappelling and skiing couloirs off of the famed Aiguille du Midi in Chamonix France.  And now I had cancer.  

From the beginning the doctors were very confident of the outcome.  They had dealt with this before and if we followed the protocol that they had in place I would be a survivor.  Sounds good to me!  Throughout treatment I had complete belief that I would be fine - I would survive.  

The process was harder than I ever imagined - the surgery more complex, the chemo more debilitating than I could have expected.  But I got through it and I was clear - NED!  No Evidence of Disease.  

Then, it came back.  In April of 2013, after one of my routine 3 month scans, I was called to meet with my oncologist.  The disease had spread to my lungs.  This time the doctors confidence had changed.   I can remember her words exactly - "A lot of people live full lives after this".   "A lot" - not "all", not "most"....."a lot".  I heard what she was saying very clearly.  Again, at the time I felt great!  I had been working out all winter - skiing, hiking, doing PT.  My strength was back and I was finally regaining some stamina.  And here this lady in a white coat tells me I'm sick.  I believed that I would be just fine.  

Once this disease spreads to the lungs there is no game plan or handbook that has shown proven results.  There are a variety of chemotherapy cocktails out there that all have similarly dismal numbers - 10%, 20% success maybe.  You pick something, give it a try and hope for the best.  If it doesn't work you move on to something else.  

So, we started that game.  Doxorubicin was first.  2 cycles and the scans showed continued tumor growth.  My oncologist referred me to a specialty clinic in Santa Monica that had some trials unavailable elsewhere.  Next drug was Gemzar + Taxotere + Morab Antibody.  2 Cycles and scans showed continued tumor growth.   

Onto the next drug, Yondelis.  The doctors words had now become - "we have one lady who has been on this drug for 2 years"  ...."oh and another patient is going on 5".  My doctor's survival description has gone from "most" to "a lot" to 2 examples of patients who have done well.  

And through all of this, if I didn't have some dork (I say that in the most endearing way.  These people are saving my life!) in a white coat telling me I'm sick I would never believe I was.  I have no signs of being sick other than the effects of the horrible drugs they are feeding me.  All of my fears, my family and friends fears are based off the words of some guy in a white coat.  Nothing visible, nothing tangible.  There's a weirdness to that for me.  I understand the science of it, the medical understanding of what is happening in my body.  But, without feeling it, all of my trust lies with the people taking care of me - believing what they say.  

Well, I chose to believe that I will be JUST FINE!  There are tough times, and down days when you hear that a drug is not working....that a scan has shown more tumors, more growth.  Through that I believe that I will survive.  I know in my heart that I will live through this challenge.  I have no choice but to believe that.   I do believe that!  

Last week I had my first scan on the latest drug, Yondelis.  The scan showed 10% reduction in the 4 largest tumors and reduction or stabilization across the remainder.  It was a big WIN in this battle.   The scans have been showing tumor growth since January.  To get a scan showing things heading in the other direction is HUGE.  This is certainly not the end...far from it, but very positive news nonetheless.

I'm a week or so out of chemo and finally getting some life back in me....getting my mojo back as one friend says.  Rule #4 of survival is PLAY - I plan on getting out to do some of that in the next couple weeks.  I hope to report back with some fun and good times.  

This blog has been a little medical focused recently, but I guess my life has been as well.  I didn't get out much with my last "time off" due to some unrelated sickness so looking to make the most of the next couple weeks.  If you are doing anything fun that I should know about let me know.   I have a friend coming into town next weekend and we are looking for some adventure.  Thinking surf trip to Santa Cruz.  Gimme some ideas!

Till next time.....

Cancer can take my hair, take parts of my body, take my time but it will never take my smile!!  

- Jamie